


Smoke

by CobaltStargazer



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Cigarettes, Gen, Late at Night, Memories, Pre-Canon, reflecting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-11
Updated: 2015-06-11
Packaged: 2018-04-03 23:16:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4118305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CobaltStargazer/pseuds/CobaltStargazer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Old habits die hard. Some of them die harder than others.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Smoke

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by a song of the same title by the band A Thousand Horses. Its a companion piece to The Unbearable Ack-Ness Of Being.

Once or maybe twice a month, depending on circumstances, Alex would step out on the porch of the house in Georgetown and smoke a cigarette. Her usual brand was Dorals, the same brand her father had smoked before he quit, but the pack she kept in the desk in the den had been stale, so she'd gone out and bought a fresh pack, not her usual. She wore no shoes despite the fact that fall was approaching fast, and the red ember at the tip of the white cylinder was the only thing visible because she hadn't turned the porch light on. It was just past midnight, and James was working a twelve-hour shift and wouldn't be home until she was asleep. Alex watched a faint gray cloudd escape from her mouth and dissipate.

She'd smoked all through her time at Berkeley, then gradually tapered off when she went to the Academy. Since then, she only partook very occasionally, and never in the house. The ember glowed bright orange as she inhaled, ruminating on the past, and considering what was going to happen next.

It had been two months since she'd run into Erin Strauss, two months since she'd fallen into bed with her as if the past had never happened, but only two weeks since she'd gotten the confirmation that she had, in fact, gotten assigned to the BAU. Re-assigned, really, but after all these years who was counting?

She was. And probably a lot of other people as well, including Erin.

The feeling of the smoke filling her lungs made Alex cough, but it was also strangely comforting. She had few vices - every now and then she'd drink too much wine at a faculty event, and she had a fondness for sweets that she had to monitor now that she'd hit and cleared middle age. But even though she'd cut down to almost no cigarettes at all, she couldn't _quite_ put the habit aside for good. 

It was like that with Erin too, and there was some part of Alex that knew she was going to crave the blonde on a subliminal level for the rest of her life. And sometimes not so subliminal, at least if the events of two months ago were any indication. They'd been fighting, for God's sake, and then they'd just looked at one another for a second too long, and the next thing the linguist had known she'd had her thighs on Erin's shoulders, satisfying the craving that lurked like the Dorals she kept concealed in a drawer. A dormant craving most of the time, but given encouragement.....

James knew, of course. He'd known back then, too. Alex had been honest when he'd asked her to marry him, then gave him a chance to take the ring back. It wouldn't have been fair not to tell him that her sexuality was more fluid than he might have been used to, so she'd given him an out and he hadn't taken it. For better or for worse, he was willing to sign up for both.

Erin had been the one thing, the one person, she'd have given up the safety of the marriage for, and the thanks she'd gotten was a wrecking ball to her career. And if it had been cruel of her to cry on James' shoulder when Erin yanked her heart out and stomped on it, he'd never complained. When she was feeling particularly low, she wondered what she'd done to merit someone so steadfast.

Alex took the cigarette out of her mouth, studied it in the shadows cast by the porch's overhang. Erin was like the smoking, something that satisfied her while she was indulging, but was ultimately destructive. Ruinous. And she was clearly still susceptible, so what was the solution? To not take the job? Like hell. This was her chance to prove herself, prove that she could still cut it. She'd been a damn good agent before, and she'd paid her dues tenfold just to get this second opportunity. If she blew it now, she'd never get a third turn at bat.

The brunette tucked the off-brand cigarette back between her lips, took a long drag, feeling the smoke in her lungs and not minding the cough. Because like her lingering craving for Erin, it could only hurt her if she let it.

She would just have to not want to let it.


End file.
